Why Communication Fails (and How to Fix It)

For years, I thought I was a great communicator. I spoke clearly, shared my thoughts openly, and always gave advice when it was needed. But over time, I noticed that even with all my “good communication,” certain conversations with loved ones would end in misunderstandings, frustration, or even silence. It took me years—and plenty of mistakes—to understand one simple truth: talking isn’t the same as communicating.

As a coach and as a mother, I’ve come to realize that true communication is less about what you say and more about how you say it and how the other person feels in the process. If you’ve ever felt like you’re talking, but no one is really hearing you, here’s why communication fails—and how you can fix it.

1. We Listen to React, Not to Understand

One of the most common reasons communication breaks down is because we’re too focused on what we’re going to say next. I used to do this all the time with my children. If they were upset, I’d jump in with advice or solutions before they even finished their sentence.

What I’ve Learned:
Pause. Take a breath. Let the other person fully express themselves before you respond. Sometimes, the best way to communicate is to say nothing at all—just listen.

2. We Assume Instead of Asking

How many times have you thought, “I already know what they’re going to say”? I’ve seen this assumption ruin so many conversations, both in my life and with my clients. When we assume, we shut the door to genuine understanding.

How to Fix It:
Ask clarifying questions. Instead of jumping to conclusions, try: “Can you explain that a little more?” or “What do you mean by that?” Asking opens the door to deeper connection.

3. Emotions Get in the Way

When emotions run high, communication often takes a backseat. I’ve experienced this firsthand in arguments with loved ones. It’s easy to say something hurtful in the heat of the moment that you don’t truly mean.

What I’ve Learned:
When emotions are overwhelming, it’s okay to take a break. I’ve taught my children (and myself) to say, “I need a moment to calm down before we continue.” This doesn’t mean avoiding the conversation—it means approaching it with a clearer mind.

4. We Speak to Win, Not to Connect

Have you ever caught yourself trying to “win” an argument? I used to think that proving my point was the same as good communication. But I’ve learned that winning a conversation often means losing the relationship.

How to Fix It:
Shift your mindset. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I make them see I’m right?” ask, “How can we both feel understood?” This subtle change transforms conflict into connection.

5. We Forget Nonverbal Communication

So much of what we “say” isn’t in our words—it’s in our tone, body language, and expressions. I realized this when my son told me, “Mom, you always look mad when I’m talking to you.” I wasn’t mad—I was just distracted! But my expression sent the wrong message.

What I’ve Learned:
Be mindful of your nonverbal cues. Maintain eye contact, nod to show you’re listening, and use a calm, open tone. Your words matter, but your presence matters more.

How to Make Communication Work

Fixing communication doesn’t mean having perfect conversations all the time. It means being intentional, patient, and willing to learn from each interaction. Whether you’re talking to a partner, a friend, or a child, these small changes can transform the way you connect with the people who matter most.

Let’s Work on Communication Together

If you’re struggling with communication in your relationships, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, and I’ve helped many others find clarity and connection through better communication. Let’s work together to make your words truly matter.

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